You’ve got rejected, huh, Maria.
I’ve gotten confessions from various guys since elementary school. If I wanted to, I could’ve had any number of boyfriends.
Since Runa is an idiot, she’d easily get taken in, start dating, then break up when it doesn’t work out. And magnificently labeled as a “bitch”.
But, I don’t make mistakes like that.
I know the value of myself as a woman. I’m not a woman who should be sold cheap.
My first time should be dedicated to a flawless man who deserves me. With that belief, I have kept my chastity until now.
When I actually fell in love with a man for the first time, those became whatever to me.
Kashima-kun is not a flawless man at all.
Even so, I wanted to give all myself to him. I wanted to.
Despite that as my only bet, my last chance to be able to turn things around.
I was rejected for everything.
You’re a woman not even worth embracing.
…I became depressed when I considered that.
But a little time has passed since that time, and I started to think that it may not have been like that.
At least, Kashima-kun didn’t use me to satisfy his own lust.
When I looked at him that night, I could tell that Kashima-kun wanted to do it with “me”. His sweaty skin, ragged breathing, and his hot spot… even now I can remember it vividly.
Even after he realized that I wasn’t Runa, he was wavering for a moment. In other words, it’s because there’s the choice of doing it all the way with me within him. That means, he didn’t think that I’m an “unsatisfactory” woman, right
If, for Kashima-kun, I was a “woman who can be embraced”. He could’ve gone all the way, and if he’d like, even continuing the relationship thereafter until he got tired of it. I’m sure that there must be plenty of men who would choose to do that were they in Kashima-kun’s position.
But, he didn’t do that.
Do you love Runa that much?
It’s frustrating when I think about it, though.
The words he told me at that time, is becoming my salvation.
“I feel bad for Kurose-san, too“, he said.
Kashima-kun endured it for my sake. It’s fine to think that way, right?
Either way, It’s hurting me. Being embraced until he got tired of it, or getting dumped. Right now, I don’t know which is better.
But… I’m in so much pain right now that I can’t think about that at all, though.
If one day, I could meet another man whom I can love as much as I love Kashima-kun.
And then, if at that time I could make that person to love me back.
At that time, perhaps, I’d be grateful for Kashima-kun’s decision.
It’s because, then for the first time in my life, I could give all of myself to someone, who also truly loves me back.
You’ve fallen in love with a good man, Maria.
It was a good first love.
By telling that to myself, I may be able to lift myself up
However, right now, I’m still in so much pain.